Too Soon for The Birds and The Bees
Tonight at the dinner table my friend, Ani, and I were telling Quinn a story about seeing a guy feeding squirrels in the Botanical Gardens at Golden Gate Park several years ago.
Quinn asked, “I was there too?”
“No,” I answered, “it was before you were born.”
“I was in your tummy?” Quinn has this notion that for my entire existence before his birth I was pregnant with him.
“No.” I answered.
“Where was I?” he asked.
“You didn’t exist yet.”
At this point he started to get distressed.
“Where was I before I was born,” he asked, starting to cry.
“You weren’t anywhere. You just didn’t exist.”
“WHY????!!!” he asked hysterically.
“There was a time when I didn’t exist, Quinn. It’s kind of metaphysical,” Ani interjected.
Still not grasping it and quivering with fear, “But where was I. Why I not here?”
“Mommy and Daddy hadn’t made you yet.”
“But where was I? Nobody know where I was, I not know where I was, I’d be scared.” He cried.
“There’s nothing to be scared of. You weren’t anywhere. We just hadn’t made you yet.”
Thinking for a minute…. “Well, how you and daddy make me?”
Uh-oh. “Um….well, we love eachother and we decided it was time to have a baby. So we made you.”
“But how you make me?” the insatiably curious Quinn probed.
Ani and I exchanged nervous glances. My palms started to sweat. Do I have to have this conversation now? I mean, isn’t it a little soon?
“Well, we just made you. Hey, how about you eat some apple now?”
“Oh! Apple, yes, I want some apple.” Quinn replied.
Ani and I exchanged looks of relief. “Skin of your teeth,” she said under her breath.
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April 19th, 2006 at 8:29 am
Ever since I met my wife, she was always cutting to the chase, never leaving anything out. If there ever was a question about The Birds And The Bees, she would always start with “Well, when you love someone, like Mommy and Daddy…” all the way to “And remember that if you don’t wait until you are married, you must always use a condom.” YIKES! The kids are only 8 and 12! But the thing of it is, she has always been open and honest to the kids. We have trained my two stepsons and our daughter about strangers by role-playing. “Will you help find my puppy. I will give you candy if you do”, and talked about sexual abuse, that if it ever happens, no matter how embarassed or scared they feel, they can ALWAYS talk to us. Open lines of communication have really helped out with my now seventeen-year-old step-son, and girls. Open lines of communication definitely work, not saying you won’t, but it may help in breaking the awkwardness by starting now, really early, whether Quinn understands or not. At least it would build a foundation.
Happy Blogging!
April 19th, 2006 at 10:21 am
My husband says his mom was the same way. And I definitely believe that being direct and honest with kids is the best policy. I’m just not sure how you’d actually honestly explain procreation to a four year old.
Thankfully I managed to distract Quinn last night and have bought myself some time.
April 19th, 2006 at 12:05 pm
My wife was blunt- penis, vagina, semen… Really graphic, and I was totally shocked at first. After all, we have been socially trained to react a certain way to certain words, but I realized that these are mere words. Some might call it desensitization, but I think it is a healthy breakdown of the barriers that make us uncomfortable. I use the same mentality when I need to speak to my supervisor or manager, where “rank” is involved. I feel like “Hey, we are all human beings here. What’s the deal?”
We have, on more than one occasion, just conceded when we were at a reasonably truthful point, rather than have a two hour dissertation of why there is rain. “Yes, it is because God is sad with you screaming at your mom.”
April 19th, 2006 at 12:12 pm
You’re right. Words really only have as much power as we give them. We’ve taken the same tactic with Quinn — we call parts and functions what they are, we don’t make up pet names.
But, yeah, there comes a point when you’re just too tired to properly satiate the insatiable — that is, the curiousity of a child. I love your rain explanation. Reminiscent of Calvin’s dad from “Calvin & Hobbes”.
April 19th, 2006 at 12:14 pm
And time is definitely a good thing. There is no right or wrong, just different ways of raising kids. I think the best thing about waiting is enjoying their innocence as long as possible. I lost a that element of innocence in my daughter about two years ago, and she will be seven in November. Although it was still kinda cute when I would be giving her a bath and she would say “Don’t forget to wash my china.”
April 19th, 2006 at 12:16 pm
LMAO! I love Calvin & Hobbes!
April 19th, 2006 at 12:42 pm
Me too!
April 20th, 2006 at 2:37 pm
Don’t feel bad we just last week finally answered that question for Ethan. We tried a couple years ago, but he went around telling people he was “from China.” (think about it)
April 20th, 2006 at 7:56 pm
That’s great. I love the universality of the “China” translation.
April 22nd, 2006 at 9:05 pm
I think you got off the hook just in time ~ BUT, mind you, this kid is too quick and sharp to let this one go by for very long. What goes around comes around! I have to chuckle, because it seems like yesterday that YOU my dear, were asking those same questions. I trust you’ll do a better job at answering them than I did.