Mommybrain

Wow, this blog has been dormant for over two years. Actually, I pretty much considered it dead. Life with a start-up and two kids got too busy and I just haven’t had time for long-form writing. Between Twitter, Flickr and Facebook my need for marking moments in my life has been pretty well satisfied. Until tonight. We just had a conversation with Quinn that I HAVE TO WRITE SOMEWHERE. I tried posting it on Facebook, but it was too long darnit. So here I am, dusting off the cobwebs — I’m sure there are still some left, so please ignore them. Maybe I’ll actually do a full spring cleaning and revive this thing. We’ll see. Anyway, without further adieu, the reason for this stray blog post:

Somehow the subject of Santa came up over dinner tonight. Quinn, for the first time ever, said “Santa’s just your mom & dad putting presents under the tree”. Yes, we’ve actually managed to suspend disbelief in this household for eight whole years. I think partly because we have a very willing participant who thrives on imagination and fantasy. So we answered “Oh really? Where’d you hear that?”

Quinn: “Jason. But I’m going to make sure”.

Thor: “How will you make sure?”

Q: “Remember that flight we were on, Mommy, (about 2 years ago), and I was looking at that magazine (Sky Mall catalog) and there was that life size R2D2 (seriously, there was. It was really cool). And you could learn what all his beeps mean? Well, I’m going to get him and I’ll hide him in the living room and he’ll watch and then I’ll ask him Christmas morning if there was really a Santa and he’ll beep and I’ll figure out what he’s saying”.

Thor: “There are probably easier ways”.

Me: “Um, that’s actually about the most excellent idea I’ve ever heard”.

Q: “Yeah, so maybe I can get the R2D2 THIS Christmas and then I can find out NEXT Christmas.”

Thor: “So in two years you’ll figure out if there’s really a Santa?”…. And so the conversation went.

Then Quinn finally asks point blank: “Are you guys Santa?”

Thor & I exchange looks. I take a REALLY BIG BITE of my dinner.

Thor says “Hey, Quinn, do you know where babies come from?” (I choke on my food.) “Storks!”

Q: “No they don’t. I saw Tesla come out of Mommy”.

Me: “He has a point”.

Thor: “Well, the Stork put the baby there.”

Q: “No, you guys make an egg and put it in Mommy’s belly and it grows arms and legs and stuff.”

Thor: “Well, actually Mommy makes the egg, I make the sperm and I fertilize the egg.”

Quinn, fingers in his ears: “Lalalalala! Yeah yeah yeah, I already know that. SO, you never answered my question. Are you guys really Santa?”

Doh!

There was a house fire in the mission district in San Francisco this evening. Actually, I think three houses burned. It was just a few blocks from our house, but some friends of ours share a back alley with the burning buildings. As we were driving home, keeping tabs on the status via their Twitter updates Thor asked me, “If we had to go home right now and grab what we could out of the house in just a few minutes to save it from fire, what would you grab?”

Pretty much without missing a beat I said, “The computer hard drive with years of photos and the boxes of photos up in the downstairs closet.”…. “Oh! And the photo albums in the upstairs closet. And the box of digital video tapes. And my engagement ring.” I realized that when push comes to shove what matters most are those things that can’t be replaced, and more specifically, items that represent memories. I’ve got a house full of things that I like and enjoy, but there’s not much that would be heart-breaking to lose. I’ve continued to think about this scenario throughout the evening and have added my friend, Ani’s painting that’s hanging over our sofa to the list. But there isn’t much else that I would risk myself for. I’m obviously not alone. It makes one realize how unimportant “stuff” is. It also makes me realize that I should really consolidate the things that I would want to save so they can all be quickly grabbed. Ok, so it’s a morbid thought but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared.

*GASP*…..

Wow, life with two kids is harder than life with one kid. Go figure. Life with two kids and a start-up is bordering on ridiculous. There are days that I think “What the h*ll am I doing??!!! This is not humanly possible!” And then there are those days where I feel like I could conquer the world — or at least my Inbox and the laundry.

To back up a *wee* bit…

Tesla Jane was born about seven hours after my last blog post. She is now three months old. Time has sort of collapsed in on itself.

She was a very civilized 5lbs 14oz — for which I will be eternally grateful to her — and absolutely, deliciously, perfect. Here’s a taste:
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Yum! Right?

She is such a different animal than Quinn. In one word: TEMPER. In two words: Veruca Salt. In a few more words than that: She is sweet and snuggly and happy but when she decides she wants something — whether it’s to be burped, picked up, have my boob placed in her mouth — she wants it NOW. I don’t mean in 30 seconds, I mean NOW. And as soon as she figures out that her limbs belong to her I’m sure there will be foot stomping and arm waving involved. To be fair, she is usually easily placated when, you know, she gets what she wants. Except when she’s not, which means she’s over-tired. Then, all bets are O-F-F. But there’s another way she’s different from Quinn — and for this, as well, I am eternally grateful to her — she started sleeping through the night at six weeks old. (I’m trying not to sound like I’m bragging because I don’t want anyone to hate me. But I am kind of bragging.) It is a godsend. She’s not a great napper — which is similar to Quinn — but at least I don’t start the day feeling like I’d been out all night without the actual benefit of having been out all night.

Well, I did experience a bit of that at SXSW over the last several days when I actually was out all night — or the better part of most nights. (Thank you to my Austin friend, Susie, who hooked me up with her stellar babysitting network. And thanks to Jonathan & Kestrin — and their brilliant RV{IP}lounge — who were primarily responsible for most of those late nights. And a few rides to and from dinner. More photos coming soon.)

Yeah, we took her with us to the conference. In 22 years when Tesla’s back in Austin with her internet friends and colleagues and the entire internet is attending SXSWinteractive she will have ultimate geek cred when she says “Yeah, I remember being at ‘South By’ back in 2008 when there were only 7500 attendees…”.

It’s funny, SO many people complimented me on being so brave to attend the conference with my baby. I guess you could call it brave. Or, you could call it, you know, selfish. I didn’t want to miss out! And frankly, it’s just how we Mullers roll. Have baby, will travel. And for the most part it worked out really well. She got tons of love, Thor got to spend more time with her than he does in a normal week since I’m still working from home half the week (and she goes wherever I go), and I got to, you know, rock SXSW! Besides, there were some important business reasons to be there — like Thor’s presentation “Judo Moves for Defending your Online Reputation”, and our Get Satisfaction meet-up where I led a session with our Community Manager, Eric Suesz, on none other than Customer Community Management, and of course, our party (photos coming soon).

However, there were moments that were difficult to be sure. Like the evening we went to dinner with one of our investors but Tesla had failed to take even one decent nap that day. So by 7 p.m. she was an unhappy baby to put it mildly. I, too, had needed a nap that day that I didn’t get. So I was an unhappy mommy. Not a good combo. Thankfully, in two of my three most difficult moments — leaving the hotel for dinner and returning to the hotel after dinner — I ran into Maggie and Heather who doused me in some much-needed supportive-mommy-mojo. The first encounter was a sober one. The second was not. But both were equally comforting. (Oh, the third most difficult moment? Yeah, that would’ve been DINNER).

All in all it was a successful trip. And I think Tesla brought a little extra joy to an already seriously fun event.

It’s 12:45 a.m., Friday December 7, 2007. A mere 45 minutes past my due date. Scant hours after I decided to take a chill pill and B…R…E…A…T…H…E…. And POP! Hello bag of waters!

So we’re off to the hospital….

Due date has come and is about to go. No one thought I would make it to my due date, much less past it. My mom’s been here for over a week. Other eager grandparents and friends are calling, IMing, texting every day to “check on my status”. Um, status is: when there’s something to report I will report it. So I’ve been feeling all this anxiety to GET THIS BABY OUT. And actual guilt that I’m keeping everyone waiting and I should be doing something about it.

Before and after prenatal yoga yesterday I took a long, hilly walk. I’ve been drinking labor tea, taking hot baths, having Thor give me foot rubs, doing acupressure on labor-inducing spots, getting up to some hankypanky in the bedroom (which believe me is no easy feat at this point) and even started an hourly homeopathic regimen of little under-the-tongue meltaway pills today. And then tonight in the bath I realized I just need to freaking RELAX. So what if the baby’s not here yet. She’ll come when she’s good and ready. And what am I so eager about anyway? This week has been the most down-time I’ve had in five and a half years. FIVE AND A HALF YEARS. Why not just bloody enjoy it? Today a girlfriend and her baby came over for lunch. And then — while Quinn was still in after-care at school — we actually sat in my living room and watched a movie. In the middle of the day. What a startling concept. And I went about six hours without opening my laptop. Mind boggling.

So ok. I’m going to accept this leisure time as a gift because I know that soon enough my life will get turned on it’s head and I will mourn for these few precious days of nothing to do but BE.

The past six weeks have been an absolute marathon of baby-arrival preparation. It started with the overwhelming task of turning our home office / library / quinn’s art studio / catch-all room into a nursery. This included two garage sales, several postings on craigslist, a LOT of rearranging of the rest of the house and shopping shopping shopping. I posted the process here. And if you like to read the end of the book first, here’s the final product:

The nesting instinct has been fierce this time around. There have been countless nights of waking at 5 a.m. unable to fall back to sleep. Instead of fighting with myself, I’d just get up and organize a drawer somewhere in the house. Then there was the night I woke up at 1:30 a.m., finally got out of bed at 2:30 and cleaned out and re-organized my linen cupboard, giving two big bags of sheets and towels to my next door neighbor who volunteers at a charity shop. I’m finally sleeping a bit better now. There’s still the five trips to the bathroom a night but at least I’m sleeping until 7 o’clock. Trust me, that’s an improvement.

Now that the house is pretty much in order, I’ve turned my attention to my online life. The other night I started uploading hordes of back-logged photos to Flickr. As my friend, Joan, says, I’m now “cyber-nesting” which I thought was a very apropos term! And finally includes posting here!

Between prepping the house and wrapping up at work — my maternity leave officially started yesterday — there has been no free time. Until now. The baby is due in two days and I’m actually ready which is a weird feeling. Quinn’s birth was a 3 week early surprise attack leaving us no prep or down time. We were so unprepared. And we fully expected this one to come early too. We were first hoping to make it through Thanksgiving, then until my mom’s arrival, then through the end of November. Now, here we are on December 4th, my mom has been here for a week and I honestly have no idea when this little girl will decide to make her debut.

I have to admit, though, that it feels good for us to finally have a little time to adjust to the idea of a new baby. Because we actually hadn’t really done so until recently. With launching a new company this year, having Quinn start Kindergarten and just the chaotic busy-ness of our lives, we never really had the opportunity to sink our teeth into the idea. Every now and then the reality would hit us and make us a shudder just a little. But now we’re actually getting excited which is a nice place to be. Quinn is probably the most excited of us all, but he has been since he first heard the news so he’s had plenty of time to get used to it. He’s determined to be a helper — right down to changing her diapers. Being the sensitive and empathetic child that he is, I’m sure he will be a good helper and a very nurturing big brother. I do worry a bit, though, about some backlash. He has been the center of attention in a pretty adult world for quite a while now. I don’t think he quite grasps how much his world is going to be rocked. But we’ll take that one day at a time.

So all our hospital bags are packed, digital camera batteries are charged, iPod playlists are set and now we wait.

Quinn loves kindergarten. Full stop. The kid is seriously electrified by it. I’ve always known kids are like sponges but I had no idea the rate at which they’re capable of soaking up knowledge and information. And how turned on they could get by it. I just figured kindergarten would be like a slightly more structured extension of preschool. But it is seriously a whole different ball game and he is in it to win.

He comes home with new bits of wisdom every day. Everything from how to properly close his markers (”Listen for the “snap” when you’re putting the cap back on”), to water conservation (”Don’t let the water run when you’re brushing your teeth! There’s not enough water in the world for all the people!”), to the origins of the universe, to the patterns of things all around him, to reading and writing actual words, to taking responsibility for his actions, to learning the alphabet in sign language, to crossing the monkeybars hand over hand, to not being afraid — of scary things, of trying something new, of taking risks. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

I just wish there were some way to bottle this enthusiasm for school and learning and sprinkle him with portions of it over the next 12 - 16+ years.

First day of school with one of his new teachers.

So Disneyland was everything we’d hoped for. We started our first day accidentally pulling out in front of someone on our way into the parking garage and got a half eaten bologna-on-white-bread sandwich chucked on to the hood of our car. It was awesome.

Day 1 was over 100 degrees F.

On the bright side, though, the lines were short and since we were spending two days we could move at a slow pace and not stress.

And we actually wound up having a great time. I think you definitely prove something to yourselves as a family if you can get through Disneyland without wanting to divorce your spouse or give your child up for adoption. We honestly had a ton of fun together. I shouldn’t be surprised — Thor and I have always traveled well together and Quinn is a fun kid — but this was Disneyland. The Happiest Place on Earth where parents yell at children and wives snap at husbands and husbands swear at wives and children whine and cry. But not the Mullers. Oh no, we may have gotten beamed by the remains of someone’s white trash lunch but we laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants. Especially when Thor twittered: “arrived at Disneyland. An irate driver threw a half-eaten baloney sandwich at us”. Somehow it just seemed like the perfect welcome.

And can you stand the cuteness?

Quinn was about the only boy with dozens and dozens of little girls tricked out in full princess gear to stand in line and meet THE PRINCESSES and attend the Princess Coronation Ball. Thank you very much.

At least when asked he claims Pirates of the Caribbean was his favorite ride.

Bottom line: I actually had so much fun being there as a mom that I surprise myself by saying I look forward to going back. And now that Quinn has drunk the kool-aid that is Disney he’s sure to be clamoring for more.

We leave tonight for our Southern California end-of-summer vacation. Quinn’s school starts late this year so we’re taking advantage of all the other kids being back in school and hitting Disneyland next week. (Going to Disneyland in the heat of summer with the HORDES of other people pretty much results in a deep hatred for humanity. And who needs more hate?) Legoland is on the docket for this weekend while we’re visiting friends in San Diego. I’m pretty sure Quinn’s mind is going to be blown.

Speaking of school starting… I had another first-day-of-kindergarten anxiety dream this morning. I got Quinn to school late, forgot his lunch and couldn’t snap a decent photo of him because my hand wouldn’t stay still. The stress of the dream culminated in a real-life charlie-horse in my calf which woke me up at 4:30. These days, once I wake up for something in the wee hours, that’s pretty much the end of the night for me. There’s no hope of going back to sleep. The resident in my belly wakes up and starts her morning dance routine — I’ve nicknamed her Squiggs. She’s way more of a squirmer and a wiggler than a puncher and a kicker. Particularly when I’m lying down. I’m pretty sure she’s got the soundtrack to Will Smith’s “Gettin’ Jiggy wit It” playing in utero.

A couple weeks ago Quinn had a sleepover at a friend’s. He was anxious about being away from me all night and was verbally worrying about missing me before he went over there. (I think partly, or maybe mostly, for my benefit). The next morning when he came home he came running in exclaiming “Mommy!”. We gave each other a big hug.

Me: I missed you so much, Quinny. Did you have a great time?

Q: I missed you too. Well, actually, I had so much fun that I didn’t even think about you.

Me: Really?

Q: Well, I missed you in my heart but my head didn’t think about you.